I Dream of My Babies

I have been sick. I have been having Fibro flares and CFS flares. I had to close the store for five days because I physically couldn’t move. I think it is the unyielding stress I have felt since Donald Trump has become president. The overwhelming feeling of hopelessness and rage that I am feeling is exhausting. Like how do you cope when it seems like the world around you is crumbling into a hellscape?

I’ve had nightmares and panic attacks over the last week and a half that have kept me up at night freaking out about the future. Every morning I wake up and check my Facebook feed and News feed to see how much carnage has rained down while I was sleeping. I am infuriated all the damn time. When Trump was made president I made a choice to not have children. I wasn’t sure if I should even have kids, to begin with. I have health problems and financially it would be crippling to have a child but I never ruled it out. But the minute it was announced that he was to be our new fearless leader I decided I would never have children. I would never bring a black child into this dangerous world, where I couldn’t protect them from the monsters that lurk in broad daylight.

Beyonce’s announcement of being pregnant with twins made me think of my own thoughts about having kids. I thought of her, and if she had fears for her children in this new America. I’m sure she does, like any mother she probably worries about the well-being of her children, but then I remembered her and Jay-Z have a would be shield, money. Their money can protect their children, it’s a wall of protection that will keep them safe and warm. They can go to private schools and have great healthcare. If things get severely fucked they can flee the country with a snap of their fingers.

They have money and so they are privileged enough to grow their family and not have the state of the country affect them on the same level it effects average Americans or POC.

Every time my brother leaves the house to go anywhere other than school I am afraid he won’t come home. I am afraid the police will pull him over and mistake his wallet for a gun, or he will run for safety and get shot 7 times by men who swore to protect. I can’t imagine the horror of raising a black man in Trump’s America. To have a daughter would be to sentence her to be grabbed by the pussy by strangers, to have her groped, molested, and assaulted because of her sex.  Her skin being brown and beautiful,  would only add to the fetishising of the black female form. The idea that her body would never be her own scares the shit out of me. My sons and daughters would be violated and destroyed in this America, killed, forgotten and unheard, they would be dehumanized and painted as criminals. Like so many of the black children before them.

The only way I can keep my children safe would be not to have them. To let them live in my imagination free and happy, safe from my reality.

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