I Probably Need To Want Something Else…

I’m in pain but I am afraid to text the one friend who gets it cause I always text her about it. The emotional labor I constantly ask for has been building as my pain gets worst. So I don’t text her.

I want to ask my partner to make me something to eat cause it hurts to move but I know he has to watch the store, and he works full time. I don’t want to burden him more with my illness.

I want to post on twitter that this is the worst pain I’ve ever been in and that I don’t think I can take it. But I don’t want to be that girl that constantly whines on the internet about her chronic illness.

It’s not a good look.

I spend 21 hours a day alone in my room. I don’t see anyone, or talk to anyone. It could go like this for weeks, and sometimes it does.

The only human interaction I get is right before my partner and I go to bed.  We talk a little and then he has to sleep cause he has work in the morning.

I spend most of my day on my phone looking for a distraction from the pain. Or reading a book if the screen is too bright that day.

No one told me being sick was so lonely.  No one brought up that I would have to watch other people live their lives from a cell phone screen.

They never talk about it.

I feel like as the years go by and the more disabled and cut off from the world I become I just start to feel helpless.

I haven’t had sex in over a month. My partner is too tired. He’s gotten off in that time tho. even if I am in pain I still try to keep him “satisfied”. But I have to go on wanting. The only time I’m not in pain or aware of the shittiness that is my body is when I am having sex. Something to do with chemicals and adrenaline and science. For how ever long it lasts I get relief, and to feel like I am wanted.

Why is it ok for me to go on wanting?

I wish he could help me cope with my illness. I want there to be more hours in a day so we could spend time together.

I guess I want a lot of things. I want the pain to stop, I want my short term memory/memory to come back, I want to be able to walk without pain, I want to run my business, I want to not be jealous of all the people on my social media feeds. I want my partner to help take care of me more, and share the burden of my illness. I want to be more independent, I wish my surgery was successful.

I want to be able to say all these things and not feel like a burden.

There’s so much more I want to say, but to talk about my illness and symptoms would be to talk forever. There is literally no end to how each disease affects each individual part of my body.

I am an amalgamation of wants and wishes can’t be properly voiced.

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